I AM..

... a senior. Which means:

1.) I will not take granted anything for anything
2.) I will do whatever I want. No regrets.
3.) I have nothing more to take, but I have EVERYTHING to give.

straight up like a vodka shot. Bring it on, midterms.

STOP this moment in time.

I am never eating at You and I sushi again. All you can eat sushi kills me because I always want to get my money's worth... and when I feel like I do, I feel like complete crap because I overeat to the point where I want to throw up. Ew, I know.

Despite my current fat and disgusting state, spring break is starting off really well; with the rise on price for alternative spring break and my secretly selfish desire to have spring break to myself this year, friday night after my internship I went to the Trinity House for the first time and met all these other film students who were getting drunk.
But anyways later that night, I was persuaded by Jen to go to How Sweet since I wasn't planning on spending 60 bucks on going. However, she's been telling me that its the "chill" rave and I wouldn't be as overwhelmed as I was at EDC. Tao was superfun, and if How Sweet is chill, then its more suited for me. I always saw myself more as a house roll go-er. But I went to How Sweet, met some cool people, danced my butt off, laughed my butt off, kissed my butt off, and overall had a really great time. Every single time i go to a massive, I get more comfortable because I know what to expect, and it becomes more enjoyable. However I need to stop massives soon, its really hurting my wallet and my brain.

The next day I woke up at two and talked to April about filmmaking for a good deal of time. Then Jen called and wanted to chill, we went to bride wars with nick cheung and cried our eyes out during BRIDE WARS. lol. i know, i guess we were still feeling the effects of the previous night. Then we went to her place with nick and watched the Changeling for a little bit -- which i have to say, I always admired Angelina Jolie for her classic beauty and her femme fatale style, but i was really, really blown away with her performance in this film. Clint Eastwood is also becoming one of my favorite directors, his auteurship with colors and detail (especially lighting details to create a sense of isolation) is easily a very impressionable style for me.

Kiyoshi, Jen and Kirby slept over at my place that night since Jen didn't have anyone at her place and we didn't want to be alone. But its all good and fun now that I had a few days of fun and finally taking some time to rest for myself and work on my own projects and art. I want to be able to edit a good chunk of TPCD before i leave for VEGAS with some 21+ MCIA people on thursday. Whoot, this is the Spring Break I have been dreaming about for some time now. Although I don't want to cut being productive out of the way... oh, and one last thing:

I wrote an email to Creative Minds this morning about my final decision about going to cannes:


"Dear Creative Minds,

I would like to thank you very much for the 500 dollar scholarship you have offered me in aid of my sudden financial crisis and that I really appreciate this from the bottom of my heart. I would like to apologize in advance for this sudden news; my family and I had prepared money if I were to be accepted into this program, but because of unforeseen circumstances, we had to use the money for external family matters. Sadly, in addition to the 500 dollars I have fundraised, I still don't think I will be able to pay for the current program fee in time.
I am very honored and felt such a rush of excitement when Creative Minds gave me this once in a lifetime opportunity to prove my art and filmmaking skills at the most prestigious film festival in the world. I was very brokenhearted when I received these news from my family after my acceptance to Creative Minds, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that this situation happened so that I may learn from it. I really hope this situation hasn't put me in a dim light for future competition, because it has always been a lifelong dream of mine to go to Cannes. It has been the most trying two weeks for me in order to realize if this trip were possible to fall through for me or not; therefore, i would not like to cause any more delay in letting you know my situation and how helpless I feel.
Thank you so much Creative Minds, for giving me a chance. I understand times are hard for everybody and yet your mission is still fulfilling the dreams of many young filmmakers. I am very sorry that I am unable to go but the timing is just unfortunate because of the sudden impact of the economy on my family. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and I hope that our paths will cross again soon.

Best Regards,

Roxy Shih"

After i clicked "send," my heart stopped for a little bit and I wanted to cry. A few minutes later, this came into my inbox:

"Hi Roxana,

From everyone at Creative Minds we deeply empathize with your current financial situation. In these incredibly turbulent economic times we understand the challenges that come with the seemingly insurmountable task of raising funds. As we were extremely impressed by your application, we would be honored to have you as a part of your program even if it can't happen until next year. With all of this in mind please keep in contact with us as we look forward to you reconnecting with us next spring as a participant in our 2010 Creative Minds In Cannes Program. Thanks again and have a great day!

Brian Walker
Program Director
Creative Minds In Cannes
- Show quoted text -"

Everything happens for a reason. I will able to take my 20 units as planned for Spring Quarter and hopefully graduate on time... and I will also devote as much time as I can to APhiO. This quarter will determine everything regarding my relationship with my fraternity with the rest of college; whatever it stands, I don't want it to diminish. And... i will also take this time during the Spring Quarter to really thnk about my role on MCIA next year.

Cheers.

I'm amazed at my (lack of) endurance

it is 1:36 right now and the last thing I'm thinking about is my final and the paper thats due with it at 10:30 am tomorrow (or this) morning. Whatever happened to my sense of urgency? I'm seriously getting old, I'm even feeling kind of sleepy even though I slept 13 hours last night and I just had a low-carb monster. hmmm... what was that crick in my neck? Oh, just my osteoperosis...

It seems that procrastination fuels a lot of things; first of all, when you go to work or school or something you dread the first thing you think of is, "why should I even bother? I have much more productive things to do than to do (insert less productive activity)." However, when we end up doing that dreaded thing it isn't so bad. Same with homework, sometimes my managers, teachers, or MCIA would let us out early to accomplish these things (LIKE HOMEWORK) and we spring for joy, knowing that we are being rewarded with extra time to be PRODUCTIVE. So we skip home, open our notebooks, take out our notes, turn on our computer and... log onto facebook.

Fuck my life.

I can seriously say that when I'm older and have grandchildren I can honestly tell them that Facebook ruined my grades. Well, not ruined, but deteriorated it a good amount. And with this new twitter/facebook thing, its just downright juicy/scary. i don't know which, but facebook has gotten so versatile that you can basically entertain yourself for hours at an end sitting in front of a stupid monitor. Cece and I were out by the pool today and we were talking about how nice it feels to lie in the sun. We were joking about how pale we were from being inside all the time, sitting in front of computers and becoming soulless shells due to this new technological era we're in. How sad is that? After sitting in the sun it made me realize how drained I felt by being cooped up all the time, doing something I don't necessarily enjoy. Cece then talked about deleting our websites, the ones that displayed our work and our narcissism... but I wasn't really ready to go that far yet.

I have officially wasted a good 15 minutes on this blog. But if i think positively... in about 10 hours it will be all over.

SPLING BLAKE!!!!

I'm a magician.

...in filmmaking.

O'Connell once said that a flame that burns too strong will burn out quickly. I need to learn how to dim down that flame and keep it burning for a long time. How can I stop, though? The magic of filmmaking is seeing you have in your head COME TO LIFE. The characters you penn, the vision you have, all comes into reality before your eyes. It is like magic. It's like real life magic. Maybe thats why I love it so much... because no matter how much reality can restrain me into its confines of achieving my dreams, I can always achieve what I fantasize through what I create. I can be my own magician and create my own illusions for my audience's perception.

I need to stray away from it for a while and actually pay attention to finals. Cece said that school should always be secondary and that my passion should be my prime focus. I couldn't agree more; however I feel that this quarter was extremely bad for me. I really am doing the minimal amount to actually get through... and yet, my grades aren't what I expect at all. Which in turn, makes me feel WORSE if possible, because it jsut doesn't seem fair. lol, and here i am complaining about not getting BAD grades.

Since MCIA isn't going to Taiwan anymore this summer, I have laid out a plan for my spring break: I am going to choreograph to "Unusual You" by Britney Spears... not for anything in particular. Maybe a video. The song is very unusual in itself. Maybe this time I will dance in front of the camera. Maybe.
I'm also going to finish editing TPCD. It's going to be EPIC. :)
Annndddd HOW SWEET. Maybe. It's 80% sure. hahaha

Today I'm just going to dance.

Acting. Directing.

It's always been a secret pipe dream of mine to try out acting. I mean, who doesn't ever want to bask in their own narcissism and see themselves on a big screen? or medium screen? or... little one?

When amateur actors or my friends participate in my films, they're always a little uncertain and VERY self-conscious of their acting. They always say its not good enough, or that it feels awkward. The rolling camera makes everyone uncomfortable because they know they're being watched. In response to them, I always say "what are you worried about? you look great!" because in all honesty, they do. I never knew what the problem was, so I decided to try out acting to see what they are talking about.

Anyways, so I had the opportunity to act in Tim's final project for 120B. I was so excited that when he said "you'll be playing a whore" I immediately agreed. I don't think I heard "whore" too clearly. Anyways, So last night around 10:30 i went over to VDC to film my one scene. Apparently I was supposed to be raped by a vampire with short term memory and then mauled to death by a werewolf that makes horse noises.

It was all really fun but the most interesting part was that I was put into the position of an actor, something I'm not used to at all. I'm most comfortable behind the camera, where I know I can be in control of what happens in the frame. I had to learn to trust the director completely, memorize lines (which i forgot that actors were supposed to do), and also try and act comfortably despite how uncomfortable I felt on screen. I couldn't stop laughing when Nick (the vampire) had to push me into the alley. It was then when I realized I probably make a really bad prostitute. I had to think, "okay, think whore-y thoughts."

I always think of acting as a verbal subject, that all i had to do was express emotion through my lines and stay in sync with whoever is acting with me. The physical part was definitely the most difficult, because everyone who is acting wants to make it the best possible. It is really, really out of my comfort zone and I don't think I'll ever become an actress, but the experience was definitely worth it since it was a learning process. Hitchcock used to say how actors were only "cattle;" that they were stupid and you just had to place them where you wanted on your set. But I don't think Hitchcock ever acted outside of his own work; because thats when you learn perspective, and see what its like on the other side.

If I'm the actress, I'm not in control. But if I'm directing, I don't get to be seen. Like they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. But I feel that it really takes the courage and willingness to be able to step out of one's comfort zone to embrace the new and unknown.

IM FINISHED!!!

I finally finished my film.

FINALLY.

"mary's paradise" is the first film from the newly renamed group, IDK Productions. Screening will take place next tuesday. I'm excited!! More to come soonsies :)