I AM..

... a senior. Which means:

1.) I will not take granted anything for anything
2.) I will do whatever I want. No regrets.
3.) I have nothing more to take, but I have EVERYTHING to give.

straight up like a vodka shot. Bring it on, midterms.

STOP this moment in time.

I am never eating at You and I sushi again. All you can eat sushi kills me because I always want to get my money's worth... and when I feel like I do, I feel like complete crap because I overeat to the point where I want to throw up. Ew, I know.

Despite my current fat and disgusting state, spring break is starting off really well; with the rise on price for alternative spring break and my secretly selfish desire to have spring break to myself this year, friday night after my internship I went to the Trinity House for the first time and met all these other film students who were getting drunk.
But anyways later that night, I was persuaded by Jen to go to How Sweet since I wasn't planning on spending 60 bucks on going. However, she's been telling me that its the "chill" rave and I wouldn't be as overwhelmed as I was at EDC. Tao was superfun, and if How Sweet is chill, then its more suited for me. I always saw myself more as a house roll go-er. But I went to How Sweet, met some cool people, danced my butt off, laughed my butt off, kissed my butt off, and overall had a really great time. Every single time i go to a massive, I get more comfortable because I know what to expect, and it becomes more enjoyable. However I need to stop massives soon, its really hurting my wallet and my brain.

The next day I woke up at two and talked to April about filmmaking for a good deal of time. Then Jen called and wanted to chill, we went to bride wars with nick cheung and cried our eyes out during BRIDE WARS. lol. i know, i guess we were still feeling the effects of the previous night. Then we went to her place with nick and watched the Changeling for a little bit -- which i have to say, I always admired Angelina Jolie for her classic beauty and her femme fatale style, but i was really, really blown away with her performance in this film. Clint Eastwood is also becoming one of my favorite directors, his auteurship with colors and detail (especially lighting details to create a sense of isolation) is easily a very impressionable style for me.

Kiyoshi, Jen and Kirby slept over at my place that night since Jen didn't have anyone at her place and we didn't want to be alone. But its all good and fun now that I had a few days of fun and finally taking some time to rest for myself and work on my own projects and art. I want to be able to edit a good chunk of TPCD before i leave for VEGAS with some 21+ MCIA people on thursday. Whoot, this is the Spring Break I have been dreaming about for some time now. Although I don't want to cut being productive out of the way... oh, and one last thing:

I wrote an email to Creative Minds this morning about my final decision about going to cannes:


"Dear Creative Minds,

I would like to thank you very much for the 500 dollar scholarship you have offered me in aid of my sudden financial crisis and that I really appreciate this from the bottom of my heart. I would like to apologize in advance for this sudden news; my family and I had prepared money if I were to be accepted into this program, but because of unforeseen circumstances, we had to use the money for external family matters. Sadly, in addition to the 500 dollars I have fundraised, I still don't think I will be able to pay for the current program fee in time.
I am very honored and felt such a rush of excitement when Creative Minds gave me this once in a lifetime opportunity to prove my art and filmmaking skills at the most prestigious film festival in the world. I was very brokenhearted when I received these news from my family after my acceptance to Creative Minds, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and that this situation happened so that I may learn from it. I really hope this situation hasn't put me in a dim light for future competition, because it has always been a lifelong dream of mine to go to Cannes. It has been the most trying two weeks for me in order to realize if this trip were possible to fall through for me or not; therefore, i would not like to cause any more delay in letting you know my situation and how helpless I feel.
Thank you so much Creative Minds, for giving me a chance. I understand times are hard for everybody and yet your mission is still fulfilling the dreams of many young filmmakers. I am very sorry that I am unable to go but the timing is just unfortunate because of the sudden impact of the economy on my family. I wish you all the best in your future endeavors and I hope that our paths will cross again soon.

Best Regards,

Roxy Shih"

After i clicked "send," my heart stopped for a little bit and I wanted to cry. A few minutes later, this came into my inbox:

"Hi Roxana,

From everyone at Creative Minds we deeply empathize with your current financial situation. In these incredibly turbulent economic times we understand the challenges that come with the seemingly insurmountable task of raising funds. As we were extremely impressed by your application, we would be honored to have you as a part of your program even if it can't happen until next year. With all of this in mind please keep in contact with us as we look forward to you reconnecting with us next spring as a participant in our 2010 Creative Minds In Cannes Program. Thanks again and have a great day!

Brian Walker
Program Director
Creative Minds In Cannes
- Show quoted text -"

Everything happens for a reason. I will able to take my 20 units as planned for Spring Quarter and hopefully graduate on time... and I will also devote as much time as I can to APhiO. This quarter will determine everything regarding my relationship with my fraternity with the rest of college; whatever it stands, I don't want it to diminish. And... i will also take this time during the Spring Quarter to really thnk about my role on MCIA next year.

Cheers.

I'm amazed at my (lack of) endurance

it is 1:36 right now and the last thing I'm thinking about is my final and the paper thats due with it at 10:30 am tomorrow (or this) morning. Whatever happened to my sense of urgency? I'm seriously getting old, I'm even feeling kind of sleepy even though I slept 13 hours last night and I just had a low-carb monster. hmmm... what was that crick in my neck? Oh, just my osteoperosis...

It seems that procrastination fuels a lot of things; first of all, when you go to work or school or something you dread the first thing you think of is, "why should I even bother? I have much more productive things to do than to do (insert less productive activity)." However, when we end up doing that dreaded thing it isn't so bad. Same with homework, sometimes my managers, teachers, or MCIA would let us out early to accomplish these things (LIKE HOMEWORK) and we spring for joy, knowing that we are being rewarded with extra time to be PRODUCTIVE. So we skip home, open our notebooks, take out our notes, turn on our computer and... log onto facebook.

Fuck my life.

I can seriously say that when I'm older and have grandchildren I can honestly tell them that Facebook ruined my grades. Well, not ruined, but deteriorated it a good amount. And with this new twitter/facebook thing, its just downright juicy/scary. i don't know which, but facebook has gotten so versatile that you can basically entertain yourself for hours at an end sitting in front of a stupid monitor. Cece and I were out by the pool today and we were talking about how nice it feels to lie in the sun. We were joking about how pale we were from being inside all the time, sitting in front of computers and becoming soulless shells due to this new technological era we're in. How sad is that? After sitting in the sun it made me realize how drained I felt by being cooped up all the time, doing something I don't necessarily enjoy. Cece then talked about deleting our websites, the ones that displayed our work and our narcissism... but I wasn't really ready to go that far yet.

I have officially wasted a good 15 minutes on this blog. But if i think positively... in about 10 hours it will be all over.

SPLING BLAKE!!!!

I'm a magician.

...in filmmaking.

O'Connell once said that a flame that burns too strong will burn out quickly. I need to learn how to dim down that flame and keep it burning for a long time. How can I stop, though? The magic of filmmaking is seeing you have in your head COME TO LIFE. The characters you penn, the vision you have, all comes into reality before your eyes. It is like magic. It's like real life magic. Maybe thats why I love it so much... because no matter how much reality can restrain me into its confines of achieving my dreams, I can always achieve what I fantasize through what I create. I can be my own magician and create my own illusions for my audience's perception.

I need to stray away from it for a while and actually pay attention to finals. Cece said that school should always be secondary and that my passion should be my prime focus. I couldn't agree more; however I feel that this quarter was extremely bad for me. I really am doing the minimal amount to actually get through... and yet, my grades aren't what I expect at all. Which in turn, makes me feel WORSE if possible, because it jsut doesn't seem fair. lol, and here i am complaining about not getting BAD grades.

Since MCIA isn't going to Taiwan anymore this summer, I have laid out a plan for my spring break: I am going to choreograph to "Unusual You" by Britney Spears... not for anything in particular. Maybe a video. The song is very unusual in itself. Maybe this time I will dance in front of the camera. Maybe.
I'm also going to finish editing TPCD. It's going to be EPIC. :)
Annndddd HOW SWEET. Maybe. It's 80% sure. hahaha

Today I'm just going to dance.

Acting. Directing.

It's always been a secret pipe dream of mine to try out acting. I mean, who doesn't ever want to bask in their own narcissism and see themselves on a big screen? or medium screen? or... little one?

When amateur actors or my friends participate in my films, they're always a little uncertain and VERY self-conscious of their acting. They always say its not good enough, or that it feels awkward. The rolling camera makes everyone uncomfortable because they know they're being watched. In response to them, I always say "what are you worried about? you look great!" because in all honesty, they do. I never knew what the problem was, so I decided to try out acting to see what they are talking about.

Anyways, so I had the opportunity to act in Tim's final project for 120B. I was so excited that when he said "you'll be playing a whore" I immediately agreed. I don't think I heard "whore" too clearly. Anyways, So last night around 10:30 i went over to VDC to film my one scene. Apparently I was supposed to be raped by a vampire with short term memory and then mauled to death by a werewolf that makes horse noises.

It was all really fun but the most interesting part was that I was put into the position of an actor, something I'm not used to at all. I'm most comfortable behind the camera, where I know I can be in control of what happens in the frame. I had to learn to trust the director completely, memorize lines (which i forgot that actors were supposed to do), and also try and act comfortably despite how uncomfortable I felt on screen. I couldn't stop laughing when Nick (the vampire) had to push me into the alley. It was then when I realized I probably make a really bad prostitute. I had to think, "okay, think whore-y thoughts."

I always think of acting as a verbal subject, that all i had to do was express emotion through my lines and stay in sync with whoever is acting with me. The physical part was definitely the most difficult, because everyone who is acting wants to make it the best possible. It is really, really out of my comfort zone and I don't think I'll ever become an actress, but the experience was definitely worth it since it was a learning process. Hitchcock used to say how actors were only "cattle;" that they were stupid and you just had to place them where you wanted on your set. But I don't think Hitchcock ever acted outside of his own work; because thats when you learn perspective, and see what its like on the other side.

If I'm the actress, I'm not in control. But if I'm directing, I don't get to be seen. Like they say, the grass is always greener on the other side. But I feel that it really takes the courage and willingness to be able to step out of one's comfort zone to embrace the new and unknown.

IM FINISHED!!!

I finally finished my film.

FINALLY.

"mary's paradise" is the first film from the newly renamed group, IDK Productions. Screening will take place next tuesday. I'm excited!! More to come soonsies :)

Deliriously Happy... quite literally.

I'm incredibly stressed out; to the max. With maximum stress acne attacks, all nighters, crashes, and an endless schedule, it seems like there is a never ending schedule of things to do.

However... despite it all. I am so, incredibly happy and content. Amidst all the craziness, i sometimes take a breath away from it all, sit back, and realize how blessed i am. During these early mornings (its 3am right now, and I'm cramping majorly right now but whatever), these silent, quiet dark mornings where I sit by myself and my roommates are sleeping... and listening to classical music while I do my work... is sometimes the most beautiful and fulfilling moments I can ever have.

Sometimes its not about the craziness, the drinking, the endless laughing with friends... even though that is a big part. But having time alone.. to think, breathe, and just sit... makes me realize how time can just slow down, and the world embraces you with all these great feelings and thoughts. Thank...whoever it is up there... for this life I have. I might not have everything, physically or emotionally, but you give me enough for me to discover on my own.

Thank you.

The Bacchae

It was the persuasion of my english professor that I decided to catch the Bacchae in its last performance before the run ended at UCI. It was my first time experiencing watching a play here in college, and to say it quite simply... it blew my expectations.

Mintiusiu (or.. i forgot his name, the Romanian theatre director of the play) interpreted the classic greek story in three acts/three different interpretations. the first act reminded me of a traditional story; kind of, since it had a twisty character as dionysus. He reminded me of a cross between the old matthew bellamy and sweeney todd; he was demonic yet comically dry at the same time.

the second act was ...very interesting and disturbing... it was set in an urban warehouse that was very twisted and gory in its rituals for dionysus. it even involved a naked girl getting blood spilled on upon her... then other girls squeezing juice out of oranges and lemons on her while she lies on the ground... hmm. emphatically sexual.the blood and controversial death of the bacchae chorus at the end of act two was also very graphic and shocking; they all die in a position of labor and die with a high scream at the end. the energy of the actors were so powerful; the second play was riveting in the drug use (or so i think, cocaine), color (red blood), and smell factor of the oranges and lemons for the audience perception.

the third act was the most unexpected of all. they turned 'the bacchae' into a musical; it started off as a third-person narrative, like the behind-the-scenes story of two theatre directors turned doctors for a mental asylum. but in order to cure the patients, they use music to spark their memories. at first i didn't expect much because i was only expecting acting... but the singing was sooo impressive. it blew my mind. The lead who played dionysus had the MOST AMAZING voice. i swear, i want to marry him right at the moment he sang. i want to be multitalented too :(

in the end, the overall impact of the play was an astounding 4D experience (because of the oranges). everyone interpretation in each act is an interpretation that i didn't expect. it deserves more acclaim, and should be watched with an open mind and open heart. if anything, it sparked my curiosity to research more about greek stories, they always seem to instigate the most twisted and though-provoking plot content.

MAXIMIZE

You can't be all things to all men. You can't always be what others expect of you; there will be some that are satisfied with the decisions you make while there are others who will never be satisfied. So whats the solution to this dilemma? How on earth can one accomplish everything of their heart's desire while making the most of what is given to them?

MAXIMIZE. I can't agree with this word more; sometimes we have multiple responsibilities that all collide into each other, and sometimes when we lose control of these events it can lead to stress, frustration, and unnecessary emotional outbursts. In order to take care of this situation, one needs to MAXIMIZE and FOCUS on whatever topic/subject is at hand. If a person can meditate on these two things during whatever they're doing, they will be able to achieve happiness and accomplishment on their own terms.

If you can't stay at a meeting very long and you feel obligated to stay, maximize your time with the people in the meeting during the time that you are there; speak up, laugh with the person next to you, focus on the meeting topic and get yourself involved. You will realize that life will become more invigorating and fresh when you do so.

I'm not a perfect person. I have flaws just like everyone else. However, i feel that my positivity spreads through my activities because of my decision to maximize my time whenever its given to me. When that happens, you'll become unforgettable to those around you, and you will benefit the most from the experiences you get out of it.

A comparison

This is going to sound random:

but since I don't have a parking permit I usually have to buy one on fridays since I commute to LA right afterwards. Sometimes I compare the parking enforcement people to the Harry Potter dementors and my parking permit as the 'electro petronum' that protects me from getting eaten, or fined, by the evil parking dementors.

Just saying.

blast into the past...someone else's past

I went to a thrift store on sunday to look for a prop for my latest film project. Instead of finding vintage black umbrellas or hats, the books were 50% off. Whoop de doo! I flipped through a lot of them, which were the hardcore rusty ones that you would see from the movies... they kind of left a weird feeling in my fingers, maybe it was from all the dust since when i closed them, a puff would come out from the pages. hmm.
Anyways, this piece of paper slipped out of the book I was going to buy and I looked closely at it. It was a calling card from the 1930s! It was so cool, because the calligraphy looked swift and sophisticated. The stamp was marked in 1938, which made me think how amazing it is... that I'm holding a slip of paper that someone else had held 70 years ago. It brought on a whole wave of questions; is that person still alive now? did they use it as a bookmark for this book i just bought ?(which is called 100 of the best short stories ever written)Who was the calling card written for... a brother? a lover? a business partner? its really really cool.

I was holding an antique in my hands. Something that holds so much history over the past 70 years. For all i know, the card could have just been in the book all that time. I should go thrift store shopping more often, it would show you what you can't find in a history book or a mall.

Life's Path and Outcome

Yesterday was a crammed day. This is usually how my schedule looks on fridays:

9:30 am wake up
11:00 am class
12:00-12:15 grab lunch
12:20-1:40 commute to Los Angeles while eating lunch in car (p.s. one must be highly skilled in order to complete this task cleanly)
1:40-2:00 walk from my car to my internship (free parking is a long ways up)
2:00-7:00 intern at film independent
7:00-8:30 pm drive home

HOWEVER IN YESTERDAY'S CASE THINGS WERE A BIT DIFFERENT, a) I have a mandatory campus reps interview at 6pm b) our usual TA is subbed by another c) MCIA is relying on me to bring their audition videos this year to the party later that night... this was my initial plan:

8:45 am wake up
9:30 am get gas for the long day
10:00 am get to class (i have to go to the earlier discussion because I have to leave my internship earlier for my 6pm meeting)
11:00-1:00pm eat/drive to LA
1:00-4:30 Intern
4:30-6:00 drive back to Irvine
6:00-8:00 pm Campus Reps
8:30- on pm MCIA

.... it looked like a good plan... at first. Little did i know that I should have thought it over through a FEW MORE TIMES.
* WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED*

- I made it to school at 9:40, after getting gas and looking all cute. So i thought i would treat myself to some cyber A breakfast. However, then i realized it was 10:01 and i was LATE TO MY DISCUSSION. I ran to my usual classroom, thinking that stacey must teach there for her 10 am since she teaches her usual 11am right after. but when i got there, the ROOM WAS DARK AND THERE WAS NO ONE THERE. Panicking, i asked random ppl (who were also running late) if they were in stacey's 10am. None of them were, and they also looked at me strangely.
I popped out my computer and did my quick research as to where the classroom was. IT WAS DOWNSTAIRS. i ran down, popped into class late and tried to be subtle. FAIL.

- The drive to Los Angeles wasn't bad. I stopped by albertsons and bought a monster since the drive usually puts me to sleep =/. I got to my internship early (at 12:30) and i started to work right away.

- It was all fun and bunnies until the other interns and i were in the basement, packing up some bags for the spirit awards next week. I told them that I had to be in Irvine by 6. One of them looks up and says, "you should have left an hour ago!!!" That's when i realized... stupid me... LA RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC. Not only that... it was freaking RAINING. It was 3:40 and I told Maisha (my internship supervisor) that i had to leave. One of the other interns suggested that I don't take the 405 back, rather, go on the 10 to the 110 to the 91 to the 605 to the 405.

... whu-what??!

- So if anyone knows how i drive around unfamiliar areas, they know that i get incredibly lost. Plus i don't have a gps system. I decided to go with the new complicated freeway, thinking that even though its a longer way, at least i won't have really bad traffic.
...
i was stuck in traffic for THREE HOURS. I never wanted to shoot myself in the head as much as i did in the rain and traffic. I had to call a few people to reassure myself of the right direction. And then i called matt to tell the campus reps coords of my situation. I honestly thought that i would be able to make it, but i was more than half an hour late.

6:50 pm after trial and error, i finally found the meeting place for the campus reps thingie. the gas tank i filled up in the morning was just about gone by now. I ran to the mesa MPR and apologized profusely with some of the reps. They said it was okay and to just join in on the next activity. I made it just when they were halfway done, and at this point i was unsure if i was able to make enough of an impression. I was quite sad.

By the time I got to the MCIA Valentine's get together, i was dead exhausted. Patrick had been calling me a number of times (without my knowledge) because i had the zeta year auditions. But it was good to end the day with family, watching the history of MCIA (it gets more embarrassing to watch my delta year audition every year), and eating yummy chicken katsu and barbeque from L&L (thanks KDuh). I came home at around 11:30 and crashed.

What a day.

I guess what it really comes down to was an epiphany i had when I was trying to make it back to Irvine from LA. Sure, i was pissed off that not everything was going according to plan, but at the same time, there was a reason why everything wasn't going the way i wanted it to. Whatever made me decide to go the other way, sure it was horrible, but at least i know an alternative way back home. Plus, the most important part was I realized how many people were trying to become campus representatives at the meeting. I really want the job, but maybe everything that has happened has told me that if i don't get it, it really wasn't meant to be. And then i realized... i'm okay with it.
Whatever happens will happen, and despite all of our attempts to arrange our lives how we want them to (like how i do, plan all the time), unexpected things come up that are sometimes our of our control. With that, instead of feeling defeated, just know that there is a reason and purpose as to why it all came about that way.

Trust the process. =)

Dreams

My roommate writes down her dreams in her blogs. She remembers them vividly, all in sequential order. I rarely remember my dreams; usually I'm so exhausted that I black out, leaving me with barely anything to retain.
However, recently I've been having strange dreams, if not nightmares. I dreamt that my whole apartment was filled with cockroaches one night, the next night I dreamt of someone kissing me (kissing doesn't mean kissing in dreams btw), and the next night after that I saw the same person on a stack of chairs, and he's sitting in every single one of them.
Dreams are so unusually creepy, but the last few have been so vivid that I write them down and look up their meanings online. Freudian psychology is such an intriguing subject; we are so consumed by our busy lives day and night that sometimes we are unable to notice what our mind and body are going through. And dreams help us notice that; its kind of like a horoscope, when you dream of falling you're feeling insecure about something, when you dream about kisses you're thinking about physical affection that you're presently lacking, if you're dreaming about cockroaches you have a problem that is persistently bugging you...
its so funny because when you read stuff about this its almost as if its all obvious. However, its like a path of discovery; you don't really notice what is in front of you.

...people are misinterpreting valentine's day; its about loving everyone around you, not just one person...

.. or maybe i'm just saying that because I'm cynical :P

barbaric vs. civilized

In our civilized society, I find it really interesting how brutal people can be on the streets when they're driving. People seem to find power in their vehicle; a machine that allows them to have greater speed, power, and quote on quote SIZE (hummers must be VERY arrogant). Anyways, I think that I'm somebody who is fairly nice. But even when I'm driving if someone in front of me is driving too slowly, my rage meter starts going up and I feel compelled to honk or yell at them. It's like youtubing and flaming. Its like our inner barbarian is coming out.
However when i drive past them, to get a good look of course, i suddenly see an old man, or a family, or rather... a classmate, a human being. It makes me remember that they are human, and in other situations outside the street, we would be friends or at least, cordial to each other.
We just have to remember to let it go; if someone pisses you off on the street, don't seek vengeance. The one who stops the violence stops the war.

Passion, don't lose it.

What is it? It is the ability to appreciate the beauty of an object that is not necessarily understood by everyone. I find that by being able to be passionate about a numerous amount of things enables me to find happiness in life in general. For many people i talk to, sometimes they struggle in discussing whatever it is in life they are passionate about. Some even answer "...tv?" Then they shrug and go about their daily routines. But i feel in order to be passionate one has to undergo an educational process in which they can achieve a foundation of true understanding. It explains the difference between someone who falls asleep during an opera compared to someone that is moved to tears by it. Being passionate requires a knowledge and inner emotion that draws attention from the observer to its most intimate detail. That is what I think is so beautiful about passion.

Personally, I'm passionate about so many different things. Mostly related to the arts since I'm so visually and aurally connected to everything around me. I was on my way to class when the rain was pouring. In a smart situation I wouldn't have gone to class since I'm already sick and we were only watching a movie, but a very important paper was due. Through the cold and wetness I discovered something beautiful, the pavements became reflections, literally. The puddles created a mirror when i walked and right there and then i wish i had my camera. It reminded me of this experimental film done by a Dutch director way early in the day (man i forgot his name) who simply captured footage of a rainstorm in different angles and locations. But it is beautiful in the fact that that moment in time will never occur again. Wow, i love art. I love my passion for art.

Born rich or poor?

We watched a really interesting film in soc 173 called 'Born rich,' where a Johnson and Johnson heir talked about what life was like being born into the upper class. It was really intriguing because I always had an ideology toward the upper class that they would drink champagne all day, dance in elegant ball gowns, talk about delicate sports like horseback riding or mini golf, i don't know. But the film took us into the lives of a few heirs and heiresses and they let the camera show the audience what they surround themselves with day by day. It in seriousness, it shocked most of us that they can do anything they want since they already are bound to inherit the money. Some even said that they didn't even need to be anything in order to be rich. It asks the question of whether or not life is worth living after accomplishing the so-called American Dream. Many of these kids (our age) are having frustrations in achieving happiness since they feel they can have anything they want. They also find it easy to lose drive and motivation since everybody else in classes below them seems to be working for the money that they have.
When I apply this question to myself, i'd like to think that I'm doing what I'm doing for reasons other than money. Ideally, my dream to become a filmmaker isn't to earn a bunch of money and live in complete luxury. i would like to, and give most of my money to parents and those less fortunate, but i'm doing what i'm doing so i can accomplish my dream of breaking down barriers. it makes me really sad that those kids can't really function outside of their social circle because they are judged so easily and feel as if they are treated the way they are (good or bad) because of the work their parents did. If anything, most of the ambitious ones of our generation don't want to live in the shadows of our parents. We want to become something different, someone that can change the way people think and the improve the way our society functions. Sure, society has its structure and its hard to break it, but the American Dream shouldn't only be about 'making it' because if it were, it would be a shattered dream fo 99% of Americans. People need to spread more love, hope, passion, and positivity. It should always be that question that people ask themselves; should i be selfish or selfless today?

All love.

Its incredible to be part of a process, or part of something during a time of change. Three years ago i stepped on that stage for the annual LTD Vibe competition and was blown away by the lights, sound, and immense crowd. My dance team was at a stage of change, it was our first time ever stepping foot on that stage, our first time getting recognized. After that performance we went through struggle and hardship in order to make the dance community take us more seriously. However, its amazing because time passes by in the blink of an eye. We transformed from a basketball spirit team to something more; a family of team loyalty, heart, and determination who dance not to compete, but to express our love for dancing. As I sit back from the hysteria of these past three years and reflect upon the changes that occurred, the emotions that ran rampant, the injuries, the tears and laughter that went from 9pm to 3am every monday, wednesday, and sunday night of my college career... it suddenly hits me that not only am I so blessed and lucky to be a part of this dance family, that the team's positive energy and motivating individuals help me through some of my most difficult times in college. There is nothing like a group of people that can be your support system when you need them the most... that's the beauty of community. Through MCIA I realize that it is possible to relate to anybody, friendships of the truest form can form with any kind of individual as long as both sides reaches out. MCIA has given me such a beautiful gift, and it only makes me wonder sometimes if I should pass this gift to someone else or if I should continue hording it for myself. But then again, another lesson this team has taught me is that if you love something enough, you also have the ability to let it go.

We shall see. All love.

"http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W57G2eGE79o
MCIA my first year - January 2007

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLme5b712zM
MCIA my third year - January 2009

Change is good.

You know that disgusting feeling you have when you're hungover? That feeling like, "man, i feel bloody miserable and I don't want to live" type of feeling? Its funny how a fun night spent drinking, doing crazy things you don't have to excuse yourself for, and telling all your secrets to anyone who wants to hear can lead up to consequences such as a nasty headache, nausea, and overall pissy-moodness. I guess in a way it just means that there are always consequences to having too much fun, and that everybody has to pay for what joy they can get one way or another.

But on the other hand, I guess being hungover has its upsides. I mean, it isn't until you're hungover that you realize how privileged you are; there are people around you to take care of you, there is access to resources, nutrients, and food that can help you feel better. Sometimes we forget how fortunate we are and we have to resort to feeling like crap in order to realize it. But I also think it is good to have those crappy days, besides, one never knows the true meaning of compassion without suffering. We all have to go through trials to realize our blessings.

Nostalgia and Inspiration

I love having conversations with my roommate. Sometimes I honestly think that she is the only person that I can have an intelligent conversation with, mainly because at times I feel that others can't really take me seriously or think I'm weird when I'm trying to talk art or make art. When I speak to her I feel that the inspiration goes both ways, and the things that she says and the things that she does constantly inspire me to write stories and create concepts in my head. Maybe that's why I love living with her despite the fact that she falls over everything and she keeps everything...even trash sometimes. But hey, its art. :)

90% of our conversations revolve around art, 5% revolves around school and work, 3% revolves about living with each other, and 1% revolves around men, drugs, and sex. Scratch that, the last one is more like 40% but that's irrelevant to my topic. But its all the little random things she does that inspires me to write out characters, draw storyboards, and create screenplays. Sometimes when we talk I feel like I'm talking like a drug addict because we talk about swimming in gelatin pools and trees doing hand stands... or branch stands. Either way, the surrealistic conversations we have create such an intense fantasy in my head that sometimes I feel like I'm having hallucinations (without the drugs). And if i speak about these things with other people, they naturally think that I'm on something. But I think its really inspiring. How else does Guillermo del Toro think of Pan's Labyrinth or how else does Maya Deren think of fragmented images or Salvador Dali and his eccentric fantasies? They all have to seek out their inspiration somewhere, and in college I found it here, in the presence of the person who lives with me. How convenient!

Come to think of it, its really funny how ten years ago we look back to our younger years and think about what we thought of our future back then. Ten years ago I was thinking that I would be studying at an east coast Ivy League majoring in law, with a white boyfriend and a roommate that I would talk to about girly things and to go shopping with at the Gap... I didn't turn out in any way that I imagined. Thank goodness for the way things are now, I'm majoring in something that I love to do (and know I will do), dancing with a second family I found outside of home, and interning and aspiring to accomplish of my now hopefully (more) mature dreams. I guess that maybe after ten more years and looking back at what I think now, I will most definitely change. I don't wish to change that much though, because so much of what I have now is what I'm happy with. Hopefully life's path won't give me too many detours and demand me to choose the right now. There is no right path, just what I decide to do with it.

Act Your Age... Or not?

A few weeks ago I encountered what I thought to be an interesting observation; I was sitting at Tacone at the District eating lunch and reading some stuff for film class when I noticed something peculiar about the woman sitting next to me. It wasn't her clothing, her demeanor, or what she ordered that caught my attention; but the fact that she was in her late forties and reading a book from the twilight saga.

...

Okay, okay. I'm extremely critical of the Twilight series, mainly because I gave up reading after the second book since I thought the writing and material was such filth. I mean, seriously, the books are written for pre-teens and younger teens who are raging with hormonal curiosity on the good looks of Robert Pattinson and the utter perfection of Prince Charming aka Edward Cullen. Honestly, I watched the movie first. I didn't like how it was filmed, despised Kristen Stewart's portrayal of Bella, but the only good thing was that I found Robert Pattinson extremely convincing, and gorgeous, as Edward. I'm also critical of Twilight because I see it as a rip-off of the 'Roswell' series when I was a younger teen. Replace aliens with vampires, and you have almost exactly the same story. Handsome, unhuman teen saves unsuspecting girl from death and therefore forces her into a position where she has to maintain his secret and fall in love with him. It's an epic formula. And rather repetitive.

Which doesn't make me understand why this woman is reading the fourth book in her hands. Is she suffering from teen angst? I sometimes roll my eyes at how cheesy the book was written (which inevitably ended up with me stopping the series), but I guess this just shows how every woman, no matter at what age, yearns for that soul-deep, super-natural romance. Its surprising how it can effect some people, that a book that you might buy for a young girl might also be an option for an older lady. I'm not picking on this woman, its just that she has made me realize that despite years and age, females are not very different from one another. Romances such as the one in Twilight appeal to us all, supposedly. I mean, so many of my friends are or have been addicted to it. For me personally, I just can't stand the writing. I guess we all want our own Edward in some form or another.

Where's your 'Sense?'

I've never ever been this sick before. But then again, I suppose there are reason why I haven't been getting any better; MCIA is preparing for VIBE (our 3 am practices, unhealthy environment), my schoolwork load, and of course, celebrating myself sick from my 21st birthday. One of my symptoms that really bothered me this time around was that I have seemingly lost my sense of taste and smell. It was intriguing because my nose wasn't stuffed up or anything, I was able to breathe but lost the ability to enjoy the smell of the bathroom after someone has used it, the food I am eating, or to know whether or not the clothes I am wearing have been worn or not because I can't smell the detergent on them.

I seriously feel a little handicapped, but at the same time I feel superior. I can eat so much wasabi! Of course there is that curious little burn in my stomach and throat after I swallow it but for the most part I am not disgusted by it. What also makes eating so interesting is fact that instead of focusing on tasting my food when I eat, I am instead focusing on the texture. In doing so, the texture of the food while in my mouth can help trigger a sensory memory of what the food is supposed to taste like. Although I have to say, my imagination needs some practice; its pretty useless spending money on good food when it all tastes like mushed cardboard. Now that I think about it, I really really miss tasting my food. Yesterday night I had chicken nuggets at the student center and for a slight second, I was able to SMELL the chicken. EUREKA!! I texted my roommate right away and she responded with a bunch of questions like what the object was, who I was with...etc. She actually thinks that its really interesting that all i can experience from eating was texture.

Hopefully I will get better soon. I am totally over this sickness. But with every experience, is a good experience. And I have learned to treasure the smallest things. To be able to taste the sweetness of an apple is a pleasure, to be able to smell something bad can turn out to be an intriguing experience, to be able to smell something to bring back a fond memory is a powerful effect. Never take anything given to you for granted.

I'm not sure if I'm just cynical, but I really despise rude and perverted straight guys who show up to gay clubs just to harass girls. The reason why I love going to gay clubs is that they play the music I like, gay guys are cute and fun to dance with (plus they don't linger for long), and most of all; i go there to have fun with my friends and actually DANCE. At regular night clubs, you get these creepy old men looking at you, standing around with their drinks in their hand and going 'hey mamiiiii have a sip of my tequilaaaaa.' Gross.

Its really funny observing the type of straight guys that go to gay clubs. I round them down to two types; 1.) They got pushed by their girlfriends and they cling to them like a lifesaver when they dance 2.) The really disgusting straight guys who come off as gay and fun until they start attacking/touching you like a leper

I've been in this instances a few times, but more so lately than before. I feel like the scene is getting too big, there are no more restrictions (although I wholly accept the fact that anyone can go gay clubbing), but there are no more places to just DANCE and PLAY FLAMING MUSIC. I can honestly say I'm a gay man at heart. But in the physical sense, I am a woman and I feel violated. The whole animalistic/savage behavior that some men impose on women in clubs is just wrong and should be outlawed. Instead of coming home feeling like I had a good time, I come home feeling like I have nasty gross man germs on me. Whatever happened to good, clean fun?

The Third Person

I felt miserable yesterday. Completely horrid. My right quad was in complete pain. In fact, I think I can speak for the other MCIA dancers that our bodies were aching in pain after a whole month of not dancing. Coming back the day before school, we had a four hour practice which involved learning a new piece and reviewing a high intensity locking piece. I guess for myself it wasn't only the humanly pain I was experiencing that was getting to me, but also how hard the cold virus was hitting me after Together As One for New year's. I went through the first piece fine on our second day... but when we moved on to the third piece, my throat closed up from the inflammation, my joints became hard, and it was getting harder to focus. Elaine had to drag me to the front and made me sit down. Still in my little circle, I was focusing on how miserable I felt until I looked up.

I watched my teammates. Through the pain, sores, and virus going around, everybody was still going full out, smiling, and laughing despite the incredibly late hour and cold temperature (we practice in the parking structure by the way... until the early morning). There is something magical you can experience when you take yourself out of this shell and just observe everything that is happening around you. When you have a horrible day, things are not as bad as they seem when you open your eyes and observe the love and chemistry between others and the small, generous things that people do, there is no such thing as downright horrible day. Even through the worst, when I was unable to speak or swallow from the pain in my throat, so many of my friends still managed to make me smile. That's the power of human life. I realize that moments like that make small life experiences ever more spiritual; the big, expensive things don't matter, its all the little, delicate, thoughtful gestures and moments that you remember and look back upon.

I came home half an hour ago, and I saw a small theraflu packet on my laptop. Apparently one of my roommates put it there. They even leave the light on when they go to sleep, knowing that I'm the latest one coming home. We don't speak much of appreciating one another, but I'm becoming more of an advocate of 'walker' than a 'talker' every single day. I'm going to finish my hot mug of theraflu then I'm going to go to bed.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTION: wake up everyday and say "it's going to be a great day." Because it will be.